The land of vodka and silicone

18 July 2010, 8:08 am · 5 comments

I’m back from Las Vegas. It was a work trip; a reward with a group of coworkers – and I did have fun, although it’s not the kind of trip I’d ever plan on my own dime, and it was very nice to be invited along as appreciation for hard work.

But wow, Las Vegas is just the most improbable place. For the trip, about 20 of us were flown to Sin City, given some pocket money, and put up in a five-star hotel, all quite nice. Of course, I’m one of those weirdos who goes to Las Vegas and never gambles a dime – sorry, just has zero interest for me – and who generally doesn’t like to drink to excess.

So there I was, in  a city whose founders appear to have thought, “Hey, if we build a big city here in the middle of nowhere, and loudly promise everyone that if they come, we will take their money and send them home with a hangover, do you think they’ll line up for the privilege?” The answer is of course an enthusiastic yes.

So the next morning, I woke with a headache (red wine should not be followed by mojitos), and pondered what to do with a relentlessly sunny, 11o-degree day ahead of me. I showered and wandered out to find coffee and poked my head out the door of the hotel to find carefully landscaped gardens complete with piped in techno music emanating from the shrubbery and a million tourists randomly snapping photos of things because, OMG, it’s all so “beautiful.”

Vegas is a lot of things, but beautiful? I heard that a lot. The resort/hotel was certainly ostentatious and obviously everything was expensive, from the 24/7 high power AC to the marble floors and the food and drink flowing all the time. But the city is basically a giant shopping mall plopped down on a scar on the earth in the middle of lifeless desolation. Fascinating as a monument to chutzpah but…

I located a Starbucks across the street and decided their outdoor patio was a good place to drink coffee, read, and clear my head (& headache) while the temperatures were only in the 90s. The patio was, however, located under a gigantic electronic billboard that was playing an iPad commercial. And not much else. So by the time I downed two coffees I’d heard that commercial about, oh, 734 times (and if I ever heard the phrase “It’s magical!” again I may hurl).

(There was, in fact, nowhere other that my room where I wasn’t bombarded by really loud music or ads the entire time I was there. Not an elevator, not a restroom on the lobby level, not an outdoor spot – it’s stimulation, all the time.)

There wasn’t really enough time before the evening events (cocktail hour followed by a Garth Brooks concert) to do something more my speed – I briefly considered renting a car and driving to Hoover Dam, but logistically it just wouldn’t have worked), so I was left to the diversions in walking distance.

There was shopping – in the hotel, a Maserati dealership, a Rolex store, and other similar retail. Hmm. There was also the pool, but by the time I thought of that, it was really, really hot out. There was the “beach club,” which cost $40 to enter and another $25 if you wanted a seat to enjoy your $15 beverage. No thanks. And there was a “European pool,” not really described in the hotel brochures – but a coworker had a look at that. His description: “It was three chicks without tops and eight-five guys watching them… I said, ‘Guys, let them breathe!’”

Breasts are a big theme in Las Vegas, but mostly, the kind that you special order, not the kinds that grow in nature.  By night the casino and corridors of the hotel filled with alien barbie dolls with vacant stares, lining up for clubs, spilling drinks, and in one case falling down on the marble floor until their friends could help them regain balance on their improbably high heels. The Las Vegas standard of beauty involves a lot of makeup, a lot of teetering around on dainty heels, and a lot of alcohol.

As I sat at the airport yesterday, looking at Miss Teen United States (who was on my flight and wore her sash for the trip), and a crowd of raggedy-looking people playing Star Wars themed slot machines twenty feet from the gate, I thought, “My god. The glamour.”

It’s good to be back in Houston, where there are trees, moisture, and people unafraid to admit they have sweat glands.

Pleasant surprise of the trip: the Garth Brooks concert. I am neither a fan nor a hater; I went expecting a marginally entertaining Vegas spectacle of Brooks belting out all the hits, kind of like a country Celine Dion. Instead, it was him with an acoustic guitar sitting on a mostly bare stage talking about and playing the music that shaped his youth, from country to 1970s rock and roll. He’s a natural on stage, with lots of banter and humor and it was actually pretty good. And really amazingly non-Vegas-y.

The other pleasant surprise of the trip: Southwest’s boarding process, combined with free luggage check, makes getting on and off a plane a million times more pleasant than what Continental’s like these days. Fast, efficient, and unmarred by people trying to defy physics and get their steamer trunks into overhead luggage compartments. I hadn’t flown Southwest in years, and it was probably the most comfortable and stress-free airplane experience I’ve had in the last two years.

Now I am home, enjoying Teddy, my own house, and Sunday. My eyes have almost adjusted to the lack of flashing lights.

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From the road

17 July 2010, 9:00 am · 0 comments

I have spent the last couple of days in a large oven filled with shiny luxury objects and piped-in techno music. Yes, I have been in Las Vegas. A work thing, and actually kind of fun, even for someone like me who finds Las Vegas fascinating mostly for being thoroughly repulsive.

Now: home!

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Teddy at the Starbucks drive-through.

starbucks-teddy

Who’s your cute dog picture daddy? That’s me!

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That’s debatable

3 July 2010, 10:49 pm · 2 comments

The New York Times wrote about an interesting new niche in iPhone apps: pocket debate guides for Christians and atheists. The idea, apparently, is that if some nice Christian is strolling down the street and an atheist accosts him and says, “Fie, your middle Eastern resurrection cult is silly!” he can whip out the iPhone, stroke the screen a few times, and proclaim, “We know the Bible is the inerrant word of God, because it says so in the Bible!”

Or something like that. Yes, it all sounds rather silly, but toward the end of the article, there’s this more-than-silly quote from the president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary:

If smart-phone software can improve the conversation, all to the good, he said. “The app store is our new public commons.”

If that last sentence is true, then come, giant asteroid, come, and end this crazy experiment in primate sentience; it didn’t work out. Give the cockroaches their turn; they’ll probably come up with something better.

Does anyone really think that arming people with talking points for shouting matches is going to “improve the conversation?” What conversation? Serious debates about religion (or anything else) are rarer and rare these days; while people are talking to (or rather, at) one another about issues of the day more than I can remember at any point in my life, they’re managing to say less and less.

Unless “drill, baby, drill!” and “you’re with us or against us!” count as nuanced commentary on important questions facing the republic.

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Here we go again…

28 June 2010, 9:26 pm · 7 comments

So Apple has a new product out, and the faithful lined up to buy it, and now you can’t really read any tech-oriented blogs or web sites without hearing about how sucky it is. This HTC phone has that feature! This phone has a bigger screen! You’re stuck with eighty gazillion iPhone apps, instead forty gazillion Android apps (though apparently it turns out some amazing number of them are things like ringtone malware… oops, guess all that control has some benefits). Blah blah blah…

You know, if all products could be reduced to feature lists, we’d all drive Hyundais and every German car manufacturer would be out of business. Because it terms of features and quality for the buck, Hyundais are much better products. And no, I don’t want one.

Yes, people, it’s not just the features, it’s how they are rolled up into a product and what it feels like to use them, and there seem to be an awful lot of people who like their Apple products. (Including me.) And, lots of other products for people who don’t like them. Ain’t life grand?

(My favorite Apple complaint: they better do X, Y, and Z or they’ll be in trouble! Meanwhile, they sell millions of their products, they have a higher market cap than Microsoft, and they have enough cash lying around in Steve Jobs’ mattress to buy Dell outright. Yeah, they better listen to random blog commenters.)

As a marketer by trade, one thing I really admire about Apple is their laser focus on user needs. Their user experience focus is part of that; but one thing you notice about what they do and how they talk about their products is that they are always focused on things people want to do, not cool features.

And they are amazingly disciplined in their advertising (even when, as in the “I’m a Mac” ads, they take liberties with reality). The iPod ads are all designed to tell you that it plays music (or videos or games) and it’s really cool and fun. The iPhone intro video convinced me, initially a big skeptic, to go to the store and look at one – simply because after being completely unable to remember how to do anything with my Samsung Blackjack, I watched a video that demonstrated how you switch calls and get voicemails on the iPhone and thought, “OMG, brilliant.”

Here’s an example. The first iPhone 4 ad is out and it’s here (can’t embed it because, well, it’s Apple, sigh). It’s a fantastically well thought out ad.

And here’s a spot for the new Droid. (Not embedded because it’s 640 pixels wide and resizing YouTube videos is a pain in the ass, so screw it.)

So let’s see. The iPhone ad: you can use its videoconferencing to share important moments with loved ones, even if they’re on the other side of the world in the army or if your language is ASL. The Droid ad: your eyeball will turn to metal and you’ll become a Cylon! Yay!

(Awfulness has defined all Droid marketing, including their “Droid Does” billboards; I can’t believe that nobody in the creative reviews reacted to it the way I did when I first saw one: “Female deer?” Which may be why you can buy one and get one free, whereas people have been putting their names on lists to get iPhones, even though they seem to be similarly equipped products, both with solid operating systems.)

Droid is, from all I have heard and from what people who have them tell me, a really great phone. (It’s made by Motorola, so I expect it will fall apart after 12 months like every other Motorola phone I’ve owned, but come on, you’ll be tired of it by then anwyay.) I do wonder about their decision to go uber-geek on the marketing though; they seem to be working so hard to appeal to a specific nerd segment that I imagine everybody else seeing this stuff and thinking, “WTF?”

Sorry if this sounds too Apple fanboy, but… I spend much of life watching companies market tech products really, really poorly and I think Apple is just such a case study of how to do thing right, from deciding what to put in the products (and even more importantly, what not to) right through to delivering the products. Which is why people buy them. And why people stand in long lines to buy them.

Which is no reason to like or buy their products, but it is a reason to respect their ability to design and sell them, and not attribute it all to mass psychosis.

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By Request

19 June 2010

John in Seattle wants dog pictures, so gosh darn it, here’s a dog picture. The SNOUT!

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Shopping options

13 June 2010

The Kroger in the Heights has gone upscale – it’s big (like, the size of a small town in other parts of Texas) and it’s trying to hard to be like Whole Foods or Central Market. Which is a little sad, because that’s a bit like a cat trying to open a doorknob; it knows [...]

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John Waters on Reading

13 June 2010

From his new book, Role Models: You should never just read for “enjoyment.” Read to make yourself smarter! Less judgmental. More apt to understand your friends’ insane behavior, or better yet, your own. Pick “hard books.” One you have to concentrate on while reading. And for God’s sake, don’t ever let me hear you say, [...]

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Plate Selections

11 June 2010

So, the new Texas license plate is extremely ugly and garish. One of my coworkers put it this way: “It reminds me of one of those custom paint jobs on the side of a panel van – you know, with unicorns and big-titted women and sorcerers and stuff.” So I thought it was interesting that [...]

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Dog days of spring

6 June 2010

It may be spring but it feels like summer. And when it’s hot – just too hot to do anything – what do you do? You wriggle around in the grass and do the Alien Baby dance!

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The stupidest profession

2 June 2010

Disclaimer: there are some good, smart people who make their living selling real estate; they help their clients. There’s the realtor who sold me my house in DC, helping me make some smart choices to get a house that suited my needs and was a good investment. There’s the realtor who helped me sell it, [...]

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Feel the excitement

31 May 2010

So there’s a big, well-funded internal project at my company that is so rich with resources and time – unlike, say, my group, because we just do silly things like bring paying customers to the company* – that they actually have people and time to put together an internal newsletter to let the rest of [...]

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So I got an iPad…

30 May 2010

… and seriously, how predictable is that? No comments from the peanut gallery, thank you. My one line review of it is, it’s pretty awesome. Having used it for about a week now, I really think that within a couple of years, devices like this will have made a big dent in use of traditional [...]

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Washington

23 May 2010

It’s the tail end of a quick visit to DC. Nice to see friends, although things were a bit interrupted by becoming violently ill in the middle of the night Friday night – I think our Indian dinner was a little off and my body reacted with you “You – outta here.” Left me feeling [...]

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In which I must reconsider a strongly-held opinion

17 May 2010

Let’s talk about Crocs. Yes, I have railed against Crocs for their sheer ugliness, as well their total inappropriateness when worn outside of your own back yard. I stand by that perhaps overly-dramatic judgment. They are ugly. They are not street shoes. They make you look like you escaped from an asylum for disturbed clowns. [...]

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